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Conflict Resolution Skills for
families
By
Matt Fairbanks
As teenagers grow up, they
and their parents often have a difficult time making the transition as the
children become adults. Adolescence is
one of the key times in our lives that is fraught with lots of change; in our
bodies, emotions, expectations, hopes, how we want to spend our time and with
whom. It can also be a time when the
dynamics of these changes can wreak havoc to relationship between teens and
their parents. Conflicts can emerge over
issues such as chores, school attendance, curfews, friends, respectful
communication, keeping parents informed on activities away from the home,
boyfriends/girlfriends, weight, eating disorders, you name it! How can parents and teens work through these
conflicts or prevent them from getting out of hand?
Two of the best ways to
work things through are to maintain strong, regular two-way communication and
to address conflict constructively, as soon as possible. Communication can be hard when teens limit
their interaction with their parents to “fine”, “whatever”, “nothing” or
parents “nag” regularly or are too busy to listen and check in with their teens
on how they are doing. Some things that help
with re-opening the lines of communication are to set aside time for each other
and really listening when one of you wants to talk. Really listening includes; stopping other
activities, eliminating distractions, maintaining an open body posture, not interrupting,
restating what the other person has said and asking questions that gather more
information like “Can you tell me more?”.
After that person is done speaking the person listening can speak.
Conflict can be addressed
constructively by:
1.
Setting aside
time for a potentially difficult conversation (not when one of you is really
upset as that person won’t be able to think very clearly or maintain a
respectful manner of speaking). Let the
other person know you’d like to have the time to talk about _______ (so they
know what the conversation will be about) and how soon you are hoping to have
it. Together, decide on a time to talk.
2.
Prepare for
the conversation: What do you want the
other person to know about how the conflict is affecting you? How do you perceive what is going on? How would you like things to be different?
3.
When it is
time for the talk, find a quiet, neutral place to talk (other kids in the
family seem to know when a private conversation is taking place and will no
doubt need mom or dad right now.
Consider getting away from the house, go to a park, a coffee shop or
other private place.)
4.
Share what you
want to say in a non-confrontational manner.
5.
Let the other
person share what they have to say.
Listen well.
6.
Work together
on how to make things better.
7.
Do you need to
write down who will do what, when and how?
8.
How did this
go? Do you want to set up a time to talk
regularly to keep things from building up?
Matt
Fairbank has served as the Executive Director of the Dispute Resolution Center
of Yakima and
The
Kittitas County Community Network/Drug Free Communities Coalition and the
Community Network agency, through a federal Drug Free Communities grant, are
implementing the “Start Talking Before They Start Drinking” campaign as a
community service for parents. For more
information go to www.kccn-dfc.com.
